SHELLY AND KATY’S CASE ANALYSIS: WHO DUNNIT?
SHELLY: Good Mortereve, NarniaWeb. This is Shelly and Katy, your favorite Ditto Town duo, here to discuss the latest goings-on in the area. As many of you are aware, the top news right now centers around the murders of prominent members of the community, assaults that ended with six moderators dead and one in critical condition.
KATY: It is very sobering, Shelly. These things started as what appeared to be freak accidents, but the latest events seem to indicate that these are planned. I mean, someone doesn’t just drown in cubed Jello every day.
SHELLY: Well, people don’t usually die in rubber duck avalanches, either.
KATY: True, true. Anyway, we have been looking over some documents for you, citizens of NarniaWeb, and I think these might help us somewhat. First of all, it is becoming clear that the average citizen is not in danger.
SHELLY: Exactly, Katy. It seems that whoever is behind this is specifically targeting moderators.
KATY: Good news for the man on the street, bad times for the mods.
SHELLY: It is interesting, however, that these events are starting to resemble the Overdom Wars. I mean, if you look at the specs, the methods of execution are impeccable, giving little for the police to use to trace the perpetrator, and the latest incidents replicate techniques that the assassins in the Overdom Wars were known for—it almost seems as if we are seeing a return of the Overdom Wars. Overdom Wars II.
KATY: For those of you unfamiliar with the Overdom Wars, they started at the end of January 2011 and reached a cease fire in late 2012. The chronicles about the Overdom Wars are kept in Ditto Town if you wish to read more, but essentially, the Overlord of Shadow and Flame and the Overlady of Ivory and Gold had a dispute about…well, I don’t even think that the Overlord and the Overlady are sure what the Wars were about, since it wasn’t unusual for them to have tea together while planning battles.
SHELLY: It wasn’t a very bloody war at all, and the two have had an on-and-off relationship for years. However, it has been suspected that both of the Overpeople might be slightly psychopathic, and while it is known that the Overlady trained as an assassin, the Overlord was more interested in blue jello.
KATY: Even more interesting is that the late Gymfan was a close friend of the Overlady, and the two have been known to act like they were sisters.
SHELLY: The late PrinceCor was a good friend of the Overlady’s also.
KATY: It is confusing, though, because if the Overlord was trying to get at the Overlady, it would seem that he would be behind both of these incidents, but the Overlord has never been known to wear lipstick.
SHELLY: It is, however, said that the Overlady has an infatuation with collecting lipsticks, from sonic lipstick to hallucinogenic lipstick.
KATY: But Shelly, there is no concrete evidence that would point to the Overlady.
SHELLY: I dunno, who else uses lipstick?
KATY: Basing an accusation on lipstick seems rather shallow.
SHELLY: So you think the Overlord is behind it all.
KATY: I don’t know who is behind it. For all I know, it could be freelancer that used to work for the Overpeople during the Wars. They did tend to hire lots of minions.
SHELLY: But that takes us back to the question of who is funding the assassins?
KATY: There is no clear motive and no money trail.
SHELLY: Well, who else would you look at?
KATY: I don’t know. ValiantArcher, GlimGlum, starkat, ramagut—I mean, just try saying that last one out loud. Doesn’t if just sound like an assassin name? “Who killed him?” “IT WAS RAMAGUT!”
SHELLY: Actually, it sounds more like a Scottish Dish. You know, something that goes along well with bagpipes.
KATY: Ramagut.
SHELLY: I mean, look at ValiantArcher. I could buy that for a vigilante name. It sounds cool, and strong, and defender of the peace-ish.
KATY: Ramagut.
SHELLY: You know, straighten your shoulders, put on your cape, and strap your arrow holding thingy to your back, then go out hunting evil. Or mods. Whatever is in season at the time.
KATY: Ramagut, ramagut, ramagut.
SHELLY: What is wrong with you???
KATY: I like saying ramagut!
SHELLY: Whatever am I going to do with you?
KATY: …are YOU the killer?
SHELLY: What?!?! No! I run a post office!
KATY: And you never know when your mailman is going to go crazy. Er, mailwoman.
SHELLY: …this is Shelly and Katy Freeway, for DT-News7. Neither of us are killers, but one of us might be insane. And it isn’t me.
KATY: What? I like saying ramagut! It’s fun!