[April Fool's!] EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

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[April Fool's!] EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 12:55 am

NEWS FLASH: DEATH IN DUCKMEISTER ROW

Early this morning, NarniaWeb Moderator Pattertwig’s Pal was found dead under an avalanche of rubber ducks. It is unclear how the ducks were released upon her and why, exactly, she experienced death by rubber duck, but Pattertwig’s Pal, also known as Twigs, will be sorely missed by the Nweb Community. Ditto Town Police are still investigating the crime scene, but Sergeant Ifor Gott stated that the rubber ducks were slated to be released as part of the grand opening for the Ducky World Amusement Park. Police at the moment say they do not suspecting foul play, but it should be noted that Twig’s had recently announced plans to open a bakery at Ducky World. The bakery was to be called Angel Duck’s Bakery and was meant to specialize in non-chocolate, nut free, duck themed desserts and would be located directly across the street from Devil Duck’s Bakery (which specializes in chocolate duck desserts). No one at either Devil Duck’s Bakery or Ducky World Amusement Park could be reached for comment. Sergeant Ifor Gott is requesting that individuals that have any information about the event contact their local police immediately.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 4:57 am

BREAKING NEWS: NWEB’S FAVORITE AUNTIE FOUND DEAD

Coracle, Nweb’s Auntie, was found dead by a fellow mod. The mod had elevensies plans with Auntie, and had broken the lock when Auntie failed to answer her door. She was found slumped over her second breakfast, a teacup in her hand. Emergency services were immediately called, but attempts at rescue were futile. Sergeant Ifor Gott of the Ditto Town Police said that they are still working to assess the cause of death, but it appears that Auntie suffered from tea poisoning.
This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting for DT-News7.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 5:24 am

BREAKING NEWS: MOD VICTIM OF FREAK EXPLOSION

NarniaWeb moderator and amateur astronomer stargazer died this morning in a bizarre accident when the telescope he was using apparently exploded when pointed at the sun. He was showing sunspots to a group at a local park at the time.
"It was the strangest thing I've ever seen," said one eyewitness who declined to identify himself. "He'd told us about safely viewing the sun and had put on all the filters and everything. He pointed it, turned to face us, and BOOM!"
No one else was injured in the accident, which contributed to some conspiracy theories that foul play was involved. Both park staff and law enforcement officials declined to comment, citing the ongoing investigation. This is Boo Kay Bucket, with DT-News7.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 6:19 am

NEWS UPDATE: FRIENDS OF TWIG’S SPEAK OUT REGARDING FOUL (FOWL?) PLAY

At a recent vigil for the late Pattertwig’s Pal, several influential members of the community spoke out against Twig’s wrongful death and raised the accusation that Twig’s death might not be as accidental as the police have claimed.
"[Patter]Twig's [Pal] was a very careful person. There is no way this was an accident," one of the attendees had said, requesting that their identity be kept anonymous. “Further, they were rubber ducks. How on earth do rubber ducks kill someone? Something isn’t right here.”
Other attendees pointed out the previously mentioned rivalry between Devil Duck’s Bakery and Twig’s business venture, Angel Duck’s Bakery. Police are still investigating, but say that they have no further comment at this time.
“The situation, as much as we can speak of publicly, remains the same,” Sergeant Ifor Gott said. “As with all cases, we will explore every possible scenario and seek to maintain the peace and protect the innocent.”
Protect the innocent, indeed. With three dead in a few hours, it seems that the innocent may need some help. This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting live from the scene for DT-News7.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 7:07 am

LOCAL DROWNED BY CUP OF WATER

NarniaWeb moderator and Tolkien-enthusiast Varnafinde was killed this morning by an unknown person.
A witness tells us that Varnafinde was sitting on a bench outside the railway station, reading a book, when somebody wearing a mask, a hood and a dark cape came up behind her and drowned her by pouring a glass of water over her head. The murderer then disappeared in the crowd, and is thought to have taken a train.
The police are said to follow a couple of tracks in their investigation. They have confirmed that the book Varnafinde was reading was a crime novel by Norwegian (male) author Jo Nesbo.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 8:15 am

MODERATOR CREAMED WITH FRYING PAN: IN CRITICAL CONDITION

Wild Rose was attacked in a crowded kitchen and knocked in the head with a frying pan. Medical assistance arrived in time to transport wrose to a nearby hospital where she is in critical condition. Others working in the kitchen have had little to say, other than one vocal cook who simply said, and I quote, “I think the butler did it.”
This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting live from the scene.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 9:16 am

NEWS FLASH: MODERATOR FOUND IN BLUE JELLO

Retired moderator Gymfan15 was just found, floating face down in blue jello. There is no sign of trauma, however, investigators are still trying to figure out how someone can drown in cubed jello. There is no report on what flavor of jello was used, or how someone managed to manufacture enough jello to fill a swimming pool.
Gymfan15 was known for her love of all things Disney and was a respected member of the NarniaWeb community. She will be greatly missed. A memorial service will be held in her memory.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 10:39 am

BREAKING NEWS: THE LIPSTICK ASSASSIN RETURNS

The community is in an uproar with rumors of the latest murder surfacing. I am here at the scene of the crime and just finished speaking with Sergeant Ifor Got and forensic cosmetologist Mulan Rouge. It appears that PrinceCor004 was found dead, with bright red lipstick on his lips, reclining and listening to the album Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. An on-scene analysis of the lipstick reveals that it is highly poisonous.
It appears whoever is behind this is no longer attempting to cloak their actions as accidents. The community is asked to remain alert and take appropriate measures to insure its safety.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Shelly and Katy » Apr 01, 2014 10:42 am

SHELLY AND KATY’S CASE ANALYSIS: WHO DUNNIT?

SHELLY: Good Mortereve, NarniaWeb. This is Shelly and Katy, your favorite Ditto Town duo, here to discuss the latest goings-on in the area. As many of you are aware, the top news right now centers around the murders of prominent members of the community, assaults that ended with six moderators dead and one in critical condition.
KATY: It is very sobering, Shelly. These things started as what appeared to be freak accidents, but the latest events seem to indicate that these are planned. I mean, someone doesn’t just drown in cubed Jello every day.
SHELLY: Well, people don’t usually die in rubber duck avalanches, either.
KATY: True, true. Anyway, we have been looking over some documents for you, citizens of NarniaWeb, and I think these might help us somewhat. First of all, it is becoming clear that the average citizen is not in danger.
SHELLY: Exactly, Katy. It seems that whoever is behind this is specifically targeting moderators.
KATY: Good news for the man on the street, bad times for the mods.
SHELLY: It is interesting, however, that these events are starting to resemble the Overdom Wars. I mean, if you look at the specs, the methods of execution are impeccable, giving little for the police to use to trace the perpetrator, and the latest incidents replicate techniques that the assassins in the Overdom Wars were known for—it almost seems as if we are seeing a return of the Overdom Wars. Overdom Wars II.
KATY: For those of you unfamiliar with the Overdom Wars, they started at the end of January 2011 and reached a cease fire in late 2012. The chronicles about the Overdom Wars are kept in Ditto Town if you wish to read more, but essentially, the Overlord of Shadow and Flame and the Overlady of Ivory and Gold had a dispute about…well, I don’t even think that the Overlord and the Overlady are sure what the Wars were about, since it wasn’t unusual for them to have tea together while planning battles.
SHELLY: It wasn’t a very bloody war at all, and the two have had an on-and-off relationship for years. However, it has been suspected that both of the Overpeople might be slightly psychopathic, and while it is known that the Overlady trained as an assassin, the Overlord was more interested in blue jello.
KATY: Even more interesting is that the late Gymfan was a close friend of the Overlady, and the two have been known to act like they were sisters.
SHELLY: The late PrinceCor was a good friend of the Overlady’s also.
KATY: It is confusing, though, because if the Overlord was trying to get at the Overlady, it would seem that he would be behind both of these incidents, but the Overlord has never been known to wear lipstick.
SHELLY: It is, however, said that the Overlady has an infatuation with collecting lipsticks, from sonic lipstick to hallucinogenic lipstick.
KATY: But Shelly, there is no concrete evidence that would point to the Overlady.
SHELLY: I dunno, who else uses lipstick?
KATY: Basing an accusation on lipstick seems rather shallow.
SHELLY: So you think the Overlord is behind it all.
KATY: I don’t know who is behind it. For all I know, it could be freelancer that used to work for the Overpeople during the Wars. They did tend to hire lots of minions.
SHELLY: But that takes us back to the question of who is funding the assassins?
KATY: There is no clear motive and no money trail.
SHELLY: Well, who else would you look at?
KATY: I don’t know. ValiantArcher, GlimGlum, starkat, ramagut—I mean, just try saying that last one out loud. Doesn’t if just sound like an assassin name? “Who killed him?” “IT WAS RAMAGUT!”
SHELLY: Actually, it sounds more like a Scottish Dish. You know, something that goes along well with bagpipes.
KATY: Ramagut.
SHELLY: I mean, look at ValiantArcher. I could buy that for a vigilante name. It sounds cool, and strong, and defender of the peace-ish.
KATY: Ramagut.
SHELLY: You know, straighten your shoulders, put on your cape, and strap your arrow holding thingy to your back, then go out hunting evil. Or mods. Whatever is in season at the time.
KATY: Ramagut, ramagut, ramagut.
SHELLY: What is wrong with you???
KATY: I like saying ramagut!
SHELLY: Whatever am I going to do with you?
KATY: …are YOU the killer?
SHELLY: What?!?! No! I run a post office!
KATY: And you never know when your mailman is going to go crazy. Er, mailwoman.
SHELLY: …this is Shelly and Katy Freeway, for DT-News7. Neither of us are killers, but one of us might be insane. And it isn’t me.
KATY: What? I like saying ramagut! It’s fun!
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 11:09 am

LOCAL MODERATOR SNEEZES HERSELF TO DEATH

Resident moderator Daughter of the king, known as Dot, was reading a book and enjoying some sunshine this mortereve when a cloaked figure approached her from behind and shoved a large flower in her face. Witnesses said that the figure fled once Dot began sneezing. Bystanders rushed to aid her, but nothing could be done.
Authorities are urging all Nweb residents to be constantly aware of their surroundings and to report any suspicious behavior to the authorities immediately.
This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 12:01 pm

NEWS UPDATE: MODERATOR DIES FROM PIE

Moderator wild rose, who was hospitalized earlier today after an incident with a frying pan, met her demise in the form of a cream pie less than an hour ago.
“No one saw any clowns in the hospital,” one doctor said, “but wrose was most definitely pied in the face. It appears that she licked off most of the filling before she passed, however. The entire incident is very strange.”
Wrose is the eighth moderator to meet an untimely and bizarre end today. Police are scouring the bakeries in the area, looking for any that might have a pie tin that matches the one found in wrose’s hospital room. The initials “AF” were embossed on the bottom of the pan. If you have any information about such pans, please contact the authorities immediately.
This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting live from Ditto Town Hospital.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 1:04 pm

DEVIL DUCK BAKERY SITE OF NEW CRIME

Devil Duck Bakery has been temporarily closed, due to what has been stated to be a “health and safety issue.” While the police have refused to issue an official statement, DT-News7 has been able to speak with witnesses and bystanders, who recounted for us the horrifying events of earlier today.
NarniaWeb Moderator, costume maker and chocolate enthusiast, Meltintalle, was last seen alive outside the Devil Duck bakery. A bystander remembers her as "the quiet type, until someone asked about the chocolate. Then she started spouting opinions like a fondue fountain. She was going to go inside [Devil Duck Bakery] and indulge in the Dark Chocolate Special".
As near as anyone can tell, she didn't make it to the depths of the bakery where the dark chocolate was kept. Witnesses say she was found by the display of devil duck mascot lanyards, soaked in chocolate and quite dead, apparently about to sample the cherry fudge. Witnesses say it is possible that she fell into one of the chocolate vats before seeking out the fudge.
“She looked like the Thing from the Black Lagoon,” one employee said. “She came out of the back, leaving a trail of chocolate. When I got my nerve up to follow her, I found her on the floor by the display, one of them little cherry fudge samples in her hand. I didn’t know what was going on, so I called the po-lice right away.”
We are still waiting for the Ditto Town police to verify the details of this, but attempts at finding Meltintalle have failed, so she is presumed to be the victim in this case.
Meltintalle leaves behind a laundry basket of half-finished costume projects.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 2:03 pm

NEWS FLASH: KILLER HUMMINGBIRDS SWARM LEAVES 1 DEAD, TAN MODLESS

NarniaWeb moderator, veterinary student, and bird-enthusiast DiGoRyKiRkE died this morning in freak accident involving a swarm of hummingbirds.
The incident occurred when the moderator was filling his hummingbird feeders, which usually occurs without incidence. A witness had this to say:
"Everything appeared normal at first, but the next thing I knew, there were thousands of hummingbirds flying towards the feeder at speeds that astounded me! The next thing I knew, DiGs was laying on the ground with thousands of little pin-pricks all over his body. I can only assume that these were caused by the hummingbird beaks."
One of the creatures was captured by a local ornithology professor who determined that the creature was actually a lifelike, miniature, robotic hummingbird. It is unknown who was controlling the swarm of synthetic hummingbirds at the time, and we will keep you posted as developments continue to reach us. This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting live for DT-News7.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 3:04 pm

LIPSTICK “COLLECTOR” KILLED WITH LIPSTICK

NarniaWeb Moderator and resident Mermod Lady Arwen was found dead in her studio, poisoned by her own lipstick. The mermod was a known collector of lipsticks, usually carrying a small pack with up to two dozen different tubes of lipstick with her. While some were cosmetic, many were tools of her trade, ranging from lipstick lock picks, lipstick knives, and sonic lipstick to poisonous and hallucinogenic lipsticks.
“Lady Arwen, or Wren as we used to call her, had a motto that always went something along the lines of ‘be prepared.’ No matter what scrape she got into, there was always a lipstick to get her out of it,” one NarniaWebber commented. “I can’t believe she would be so careless as to use the wrong lipstick. That was never her style.”
When asked about the previous death of Prince Cor by poisonous lipstick, our informant shrugged.
“She might have kissed him, she might not have. She always had a reason for everything, or Booky was messing with perception filters again. I don’t think she would have killed Cor just for kicks. That’s not her style.”
We were also able to speak briefly with forensic cosmetologist Mulan Rouge about how this accident may have happened—if it was an accident at all.
“Poison lipsticks are usually a top coat,” Dr. Rouge explained. “Lipstick assassins wear three or four layers, usually. The base layer is a hydrating lip balm or something similar; a very thin layer to keep the lip even. The next layer is sometimes optional: a base coat of lipstick. The next is the most important: it is a sealant that keeps the assassin’s lips from absorbing the poison. The last layer is, of course, the poisonous lipstick. In this particular case, it appears that Wren forgot to apply the sealant. Of course, now that we have her full lipstick kit, I can analyze her poison lipstick to see if it matches the lipstick found on PrinceCor004.”
Police have yet to comment, but a full toxicology report should be released shortly. This is Boo Kay Bucket, reporting for DT-News7.
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 4:02 pm

NEWS UPDATE: LIPSTICK TOXICOLOGY REPORT IS IN

Officials have just released the official lipstick toxicology reports, and it reveals some shocking news.
“Lady Arwen and Prince Cor were both poisoned by the same lipstick, but it was not a lipstick that belonged to Lady Arwen,” forensic cosmetologist Mulan Rouge said. “It is clearly the work of a third party.”
Police have no possible leads as to what other members of the community would use lipstick as a weapon, but are strongly encouraging members to avoid kissing anybody.
“We don’t know who is in possession of this lipstick, and until they are caught on the lipstick is confiscated, everyone is at danger,” Sergeant Ifor Gott said. “We highly recommend that everyone refrain from kissing until this person is apprehended. Besides, kissing shares cooties, and that’s just gross.”
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Re: EXTRA! EXTRA! DISASTER STRIKES! READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXTRA!

Postby Boo Kay Bucket » Apr 01, 2014 4:34 pm

BREAKING NEWS: THIRD DITTO TOWN MODERATOR BITES THE DUST

Ditto Town Scientists have been working on an invention for years that allow for minor levels of radiation to turn humans into superheroes. Despite the murders earlier today, the Ditto Town Scientific Association agreed to move forward with today’s testing. Moderator Ryadian was the first to step into the change to test the superpower-generating machine, but just as the process was implementing, a cloaked figure rushed the control board and turned the radiation levels up 1000% percent. Several scientists were injured from the resulting explosion, but only the moderator’s death has been reported so far.
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